killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.