“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”