TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.