my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.