Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
This hospital has everything
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
They’re called werewolves.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something