until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.