If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That鈥檚 Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I鈥檓 chewing now.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I鈥檓 starting to lose hope
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I鈥檓 married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Woman: I love a man with an accent
M谩n: Well hello there
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My parents didn鈥檛 raise me to be rude, I had to practice
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Oh you鈥檙e a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it鈥檚 just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON鈥橳 WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It鈥檚 for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn鈥檛 resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!