Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I think the cat got the dog high.
my fav colour is also hitler
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to