Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?