Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Feels like the fourth month in January
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school