hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?