“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders