Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
LMAO.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I’m good, thanks.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
thanks auntie mary
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
#Caturday