Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.