[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.