6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
You Might Also Like
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room