Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
✌️
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat