Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You deplete me
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.