me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.