[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.