The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.