Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
it must be school picture day
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand