[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
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A ghost story
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
That 👊
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.