Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.