Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*