Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Watermelon Boss!
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”