I love you to the refrigerator and back
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Writing, She Murdered.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me trying to “trust the process”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.