Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
You Might Also Like
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.