Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me in tagged photos
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.