Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Encore…
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?