i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.