I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.