Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?