When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.