[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.