Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE