[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.