The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
S M O L
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy