WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Holy shit he’s back
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’