Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.