*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle