INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
describing stardew valley
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business