Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly