Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Swedish for common sense.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.