mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Customer is always right
WTF IS THAT!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out