i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
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Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.