him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”