Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.