[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.