Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.